Supposedly Common Things that I've Never Actually Done

(just for fun--and because it makes the world seem like such an unexplored place--given my name there might just be a Shakespeare allusion here to a certain oft-quoted line)

  • Been bowling (no, really, I haven't);
  • Been skiing (or snowboarding, incredulous kids);
  • Been stood up for a date (I'd greatly appreciate it, however, if no-one tries to use this as justification later, i.e. "you said you'd never been stood up, I was just letting you have the experience!");
  • Actually been on a date, proper, that I understood to be such at the time (sample conversation several weeks after date--me: "so-and-so took me out the other night for dinner. he paid!" friend: "so you guys are!" me: "Oh no no..." *ruminative pause* "oh...ooooooohhhhhh. I seeeeee....");
  • Played spin-the-bottle;
  • Been sick from drinking too much (really, truly);
  • Failed a class (closest I've come: Physical Education in 4th grade for the fabulously embarrassing reason that I refused to run properly, and would only gallop like a horse--see the "honesty" quote in the righthand sidebar to understand why I would divulge something like that--and Advanced Placement Calculus in 12th grade--no further explanation needed, though I will add I passed with flying colors, eventually);
  • Held a single job for longer than four months (a staggering statistic, really...unless you count education as a job, in which case I've been a full-time employee for something like...seventeen years);
  • Been to a high school football (the American variety) game (or any other kind, for that matter, but that's less surprising);
  • Seen (insert favorite "everybody's got to see this!" film here)...examples include: any of the Godfather films, Pulp Fiction, The Shawshank Redemption, Citizen Kane, Forrest Gump, Jaws (yes, really), Chicago, Singin' in the's a random sampling. What, you wonder, was I then doing with all my free time? I can only tell you, in response, that I may not have seen Ben Hur, Rocky, or Grease, but I had read every single mystery novel that Agatha Christie ever wrote by the time I was midway through high school....(my God, I am weird. In many ways, the quintessential bookish nerd. I now point again to the quote in the right sidebar, but this time it is mostly for my own comfort--though also am making strides in my filmic education...two weekends ago I watched 16 Candles for the first time!);
  • As a child, watched any Nickolodean television show with any semblance of regularity (awkward if you're an American of my generation--how many conversations have I had to sit out on whilst my peers excitedly hone in on a character or plotline from years past, gather round the memories, and shout and murmur and giggle for hours on end? I couldn't even begin to count);
  • Slow danced with a boy (or anybody else);
  • Been fired from a job;
  • Had braces;
  • Worn foundation or liquid makeup (I wouldn't know how, and it kind of intimidates me);
  • Successfully sewed a button back onto anything

I know there are many more that will come floating into my consciousness at odd hours. This is certainly not to diminish what I have done; or to suggest that I will never do the things listed above. It is, however, an exercise in seeing how we can be identified as much by what we are as what we aren't; in piecing together something that shows mythology to be, sometimes, untrue; and, mostly, in making a public spectacle of myself by collecting a ramshackle array of embarrassing truths. Bless.